His Plans, Not Mine

I'm breathing deeply.

Right now, I was suppose to be on a surprise getaway with Sweet Man James for my Christmas present, coordinated to the detail by him and some of my precious foster family friends and my family.

Enter Cinderella with cough, throw up, fever and the most pitiful puffy eyes I've ever seen.

So instead of a fancy dinner rendezvous at Taco Casa, I'm cuddling with our newest Little Bit for the fourth day in a row. I know every Little Pony's name, and I can do a pretty smooth samba to the Bubble Guppies theme song.

When we first realized it wasn't going to happen, I had a fleeting thought, I'm giving up my precious time away of rest for a child who isn't really mine, a child who will break my heart in the end. Is this even worth it?

I remembered the verse Lifeline director Herbie Newell shared at our foster parent Christmas dinner, "Whoever welcomes one of these little children in my name welcomes me; and whoever welcomes me does not welcome me but the one who sent me."  - Mark 9:37

It's not the way we planned this weekend, but it's exactly what our Father had planned for us. Instead of whispering sweet nothings in my man's ear, I'm hearing, "Momma, I love you," while I wipe a nose and clean up throw up that was meant for only me to clean in this season of my life...of her life, because I'm not sure how long I'll have the honor of doing that for Cinderella, and it is an honor.

It's been a few weeks since I've blogged because this was perhaps the most insane season we've lived in all our days. There's busy, and then there's insanity. We passed the psychosis state right past insanity. But, as I look back, every moment was orchestrated by my Father's hands. Time after time, we saw a child enter care, and we received an anonymous gift in the mail for the exact amount needed to cover that child's Christmas.

We witnessed one of our children's parents need an exact amount to cover an unexpected bill; the cash was in our mailbox with her name on it by the end of the day, without our telling anyone...You were the hand of God whoever you were. 

I had to give myself time to open each of these Holy treasures before I set them on display for all to see for HIS glory. I'm still processing. I never thought I (we) would be the ones who would have a chance to live this kind of life, dependent on God's provision, interdependent with our covenant family. And now, I can't go back.

I can't wait to introduce you to radical children who chose to pursue justice this Christmas, rather than selfish gain, or families who opted to "do the season" in a new way, as they poured themselves and their resources out for the least of these when it wasn't comfortable.

I'm giddy for you to meet the new children in our lives, children who've entered the safety of our home on a regular basis, not through the system, but through doors only the Father could open.

And then there's Cinderella...

And our girls and their momma...

And our Baby J, isn't a baby anymore...

There was one Sunday this month when I looked down our church pew: there were the girls and their momma, Baby M's family, my boys, Jamie, Cinderella, and J's family had asked if we could have him for the weekend. He sat in my lap, and I breathed the Holy, set apart, moment in deeply. 

Never in my life would I have dreamed...

However, as it is written: no eye has seen, no ear has heard, and no human mind has conceived, the things God has prepared for those who love Him. - I Corinthians 2:9

Maybe, just maybe those things He's planned aren't about our appeasement or comfort, but about His ministry of reconciliation through us, His love poured through our broken vessels, and His glory being proclaimed through our splintered lives.

I'll take that over a weekend away any day, even if it is with my favorite man on earth.

Uncensored

It has been so long since I wrote here, or anywhere else...too long.

It's just, Satan's whispers of doubt and deceit have been ever so loud.

So, I kneel at my bed, quoting scripture, singing hymns of praise with my family gathered around...NOT.

I wish.

When the warfare ensues, I'm so quick to drown out the battle cries in my own strength, before ever glancing to the One who has promised to fight for me and already owns the victory.

I am a fool.

Instead, I hurry, I plan, I run and fret. I make sure to never sit still before the One who invites me to be still as He cradles me to His chest, rejoicing over me with singing so wondrous, the lies cannot exist.

It's not until I crash, I collapse, I mentally come to the end of myself, that I even recognize His invitation sometimes. Sadly, it's then I realize by even trying to do it on my own, I've allowed myself to entertain the arrows of lies and death, when a first glance at my Savior and His righteousness would have launched, fought and ended the battle that I allowed to flail within.

I was Facebook talking with some of my Forgotten Initiative friends this week. The question was posed to us how we react when we, as foster parents, are challenged with the idea that this is just glorified babysitting and then kids are returned to their "real" family, and sometimes the situations are dark.

Something in me snapped. I think since J, that haunting lie has harbored and docked deep in my heart. That I did something anyone could do, and then parents came home, and my time was up.

Additionally, no lie, when I say that since the week of Thanksgiving we have continually had between 6-10 kids in our home nonstop. I love it. Some have been past children, some have been their siblings, some have been friends, and children of other foster parents' who just needed to breathe. We relish in the chaos, but with elevated comings and goings, it's so easy to let the babysitter mentality kick in.

First of all, in brutal honesty, I pay my babysitter more for a succinct date night than what we are reimbursed for a week...or even two of foster parenting. If it is babysitting, it ain't glorified.

Two, and this is what I seriously unloaded on my sweet friends...so sorry :) And this is totally uncensored:

"The reality is when we sign on to saying yes to the child, we did not go through a training to rescue kids. We went through a training to hope for an entire family. It's so easy to silently wish for sabotage. It's so easy to dream or fake myself out to think I know what is best for that child, or that family. It's so easy to say one thing but inside truly think that is the end of the momma and daddy's story and that child "deserves" a new beginning with me. It's easy for me to dangerously tread to think that economics and education are the answer. It's easy for me to expect perfection. 

I sometimes want it clean. Every time a child has gone home, I've crawled in a ball and told Jamie I just want something finished. I want to adopt. I know that's not the full reality of adoption, but with foster care everything is untied....forever sometimes. Jamie gently takes me back to Isaiah 58 where God moved us from adoption, and called us to be "repairers of streets with dwellings" and the "restorers of generations". 

I believe truly that God sees our hearts, and I really believe there will be a child (or more:) that we are the called family for long term, but only after all other resources have been deemed unhealthy. We are the last resort. That hasn't happened yet. But I keep challenging foster parents that it doesn't have to be us or them. It's a partnership. That mentality is best for the child, best for the parents, best for us. We are a family together. It's not pretty. It's not easy. And nothing is tied up. But, the beauty that comes with the process, is the gospel. 

From the beginning with each family, we tell them that when their child got placed in our home, they (Momma and Daddy) are getting us too, and we won't go anywhere. That family is our family. This has resulted in us having weekend visits once a month with every single child that has gone home. For the one who is out of state, the grandmother sends all the other kids in her home instead. But we have to die to what we think is best, and meet them where their greatest needs are...for one family is helping with tutoring, for another it's food, another is clothes or Christmas. For all of them it's prayer and listening. But each one is willing to allow us to still be in their lives, and they know what we stand for and where are hearts are. The truth is that is what Christ does for us.

The hard thing is it's so easy to say that...very different to do it. When Baby J came this last weekend, Jamie and I were overwhelmed at the change in only a few weeks. His insecurities were blaring, even at two years old. We loved him hard for the weekend, and then wept again when we sent him back. But his family saw our hearts. We were transparent, and slowly chinks are happening in their own walls and armor, and that must happen to have things rebuilt. 

I don't have the answer. Satan's lies are so very loud. I want quiet and peace. But I lay my hands on the wall where everyone's measurements are, or I lay my hands on their artwork, or I lay my hands on their pictures, and I realize I was chosen from all the earth to stand in the gap for their family. I was chosen to intercede. That is so precious. And for my 10-year-old, she recently came to me and said that nothing we've given her or done for her has spoken true love. No activity or outing. She told me the greatest way she knows we love her is that we never gave up on her momma, even when everyone said to. And she said she knows we will never give up on her either. She made Jamie promise he would be the one to walk her down the aisle one day. After almost two years, the girls will go home soon, and it will be messy. But that is treasure."



That I even have friends who would be willing to read through that entire spill, counts me as blessed...

I mentioned this on Facebook the other day, but I am learning more and more that the defined term of "family" doesn't necessarily refer to the blood that is shared or the stamp the judge gives. However, I am so incredibly blessed by mine and Jamie's immediate families, and I praise God for adoption.

But the truth is, my family is so large now. Nothing is tidy or contained. But my girls are beautifully content to play with J's dad and grandparents, and the girls' mom is ridiculously happy to help me out with Cinderella when she's losing control. And my boys do life with the marginalized. Doing life together can only expose our need for the Gospel, and the depth of Grace that has been exposed to us.



That's glorified.

Be Warned.

Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. Sadly, not because of  what it represents, but because the anticipation of Christmas can begin.

There was this moment when I was eight or nine years old, and all I had wanted for Christmas was an American Girl doll. Kirsten.

Sure enough, I got that pioneer blond girl, and the morning after, my dad had taken down the tree, and I sat with my doll and thought, That was it?

Obviously, my young heart had missed the purpose of the carols, the gifts, the manger. Somehow in all the busyness, I had missed the point of singing "Happy Birthday, Jesus."

I remember thinking about that moment last year after Baby M left. She had been gone about three weeks, I walked to the mailbox, and found our last stipend check in the mail.

"Payment for services rendered to ....."

(*My views and opinions on stipend checks for foster care and adoption are an entirely other post).

When I saw it, I sat in the driveway and wept. For a moment, I felt like I had missed it again. I heard the whisper, That was it? Six months of days, and nights, and tears, and songs, and cheers summed up by "services rendered."

That day came again yesterday, but I haven't opened the envelope. I know what it is and the name it says I served.

I know that's not what 15 months equates to.

It humbles and amazes me what God has done, is doing through the blog, our story - no, His story in us.

I've said it before, and I'll say it a million times more. We are not amazing. We've simply followed God to the space He's called us to fill, and said Yes.

Since J has left, I've heard the comment, "That's why I could never be a foster parent. I couldn't let them go," more in the last month than I probably have in the last year.

I haven't been as gracious this time around. My simple response is, Neither can I. That's why I have Jesus.

I don't mean that in a prideful or preachy way, but the reality is saying goodbye to Little Guy has kicked us in the gut good. But does that mean we shy away from a chance to be the incarnation of Christ to a family, aching for the truth?

The reality is, our suburban subculture is one of the few places on earth where we have the choice of choosing sacrifice. We are both cursed and blessed with the opportunity to contain ourselves in an Americanized bubble of comfort and order. That's not real life.

Jamie and I both would say that quite possibly one of the greatest gifts fostering has given us - aside from our children - is the immersion into a culture we do not understand or know. A world where there is not certainty of the next meal or 1,000 items of clothes or toys to choose from for your entertainment. I suppose it's our version of going across the world internationally to meet our child. I can only imagine on even a grander scale how that marks your world.

When that happens...when you look a Momma in the eye who is crying out for help for her children's future, when you hold the hand of a Daddy who is trying to make ends meet, when you cradle a child through the night who is screaming for the only family she knows...I'm not sure there's the luxury of saying, I could never...

It may not be foster parenting. For some of my friends it's adoption, urban ministry, addiction recovery, international missions, but for all of them, the top has been blown off and I could never no longer exists in their vocabulary. And the reality is, those friends help me bless the name of Jesus.

We've lied ourselves into thinking we have the right to look the other way because our lives that are filled with laundry to do, activities to plan, and events to attend, and we simply can't handle the interruption or pain of mess...Isn't the immersion into the Gospel mess?

The truth...

Our time is not our own. Our spouses and children are not our own. Our homes, clothes, and beds are not our own. Our finances, churches and calendars are not our own. And when we barricade our walls to what we feel we can responsibly contain in our lives, there's little room left for the uncontainable Glory of the Gospel.

So, yea, I'm a bit edgy these days. But in love, know you've been warned if you say you could never do ________________. Because we serve a God that nothing is impossible for. We serve a Lord who is greater than our hearts. We serve a Savior who begins to shatter the darkness where we feel we have reached an end. We serve a Father who makes beauty from our mess.

I'm getting to live it, and I can never go back.

If we had not done foster care...a one-day take...

I'm not ready to write about the last two weeks. The sorrows are still raw; the new pricks to the soul are too fresh.

We hear your prayers and encouragement.

Tonight was the annual Lifeline Banquet. I want to reflect more on it later, but for the moment, I wanted to give a one-day snapshot of God's mercy in our lives.

When we attended our first Lifeline banquet four years ago, there was no foster care program. We went as someones guest, and as tears flowed down both our faces, we pumped our fists in the air and cried out that we would answer the call to adopt.

I. love. adoption.

I still hang a stocking each Christmas for the child we believe God gave us a vision for that night.

But four years later, too many twists and turns to count have led two daughters to be adopted from our home, one son reunified with his birth family, and three more daughters we're working hard for that goal to take place (More on our new Cinderella later).

The last two banquets I've honestly felt sorry for myself. Again, I know these are lies from the Lie Man himself, but when I watched the parade of families and heard the adoption stories, I longed for the "finished product" (which I know is not a reality. I have too many incredible adoptive friends to know that). But, I longed for a child who would never forget my name. I longed for the family picture of six, not the family pictures of five, with six other members who can't be photographed.

So tonight, Jamie and I loaded up on prayer because it's been two weeks from the dark side.

And as tears started to flow within the first five minutes, I heard God whisper, 

Look what you would have missed today if I had not called you to foster care... 

(completely removing the aspect of His ministry through us)

I would have missed in the last 24 (maybe 48) hours....

• A precious friend who texted me the song "Mighty to Save," told me she was crying out for me for no reason. 

• A senior high boy who was committed to sponsor a child, and though he couldn't maybe afford the best, he wants to give him the best. So he's clearing out his fresh ipod, and loading it with songs his sponsored kid says are his favorite.

• Two different babysitters who have dropped everything in the last week, to help us get a groove again, procrastinating on their projects and finding subs for their "real" jobs and loving my kids with beauty.

• A text from one of my favorite college gal's on earth saying she will not stop praying for me, or for Little J.

• An email from a family saying God has put it on their hearts to cover remaining Christmas costs for any child that comes into care late into December

• A Treasure who listened long and well to my eruptive tears

• A text from a senior high gal saying she is praying for us every day, and to remember that "we bear on our body the marks of Jesus." - Galatians 6:17

• An email from a precious friend I "discipled" (a.k.a. she discipled me) listing songs of hope

• Friends who have stocked our freezer in the last week with food and our pantry with paper products. For a momma who doesn't cook, this is heaven.

• A bag full of SANTA COKES and kettle chips - sublime.

• A Husband who leads me in this battle

• Friends at work who covered my classes and carpools without giving me a second to disagree when we've been sick this last week.

• A soul friend who whispered in my ear every two seconds at the banquet that each thing said was just like Jesus in us. 

• Fellow foster mommas to weep with, rejoice with, be angry with, and who are sacrificing their weekends to make a weekend away for us happen this week. Don't call or text me :)

• An enormous Lifeline family who knows our hearts well, and simply hugs and delights in us.

This is just the last day or so.

I didn't touch on the reality that I'm following a God that has led us to be part of "redeeming the years the locusts have eaten," or "being restorers of streets with dwellings," or that I really do serve a God who transforms lives.

I'm a charismatic Presbyterian :) Tonight, God gave me a vision of Him pressing down on us with his thumbs, to the point we disappeared, and instead, His fingers reached far out for the Hope of His Kingdom to all who are pouring into us.

We are just one orphan care family - just one family acting in obedience. 

No, He has not called us all to foster, or adopt, or do overseas or inner city missions, but He has commanded us to care for the body that is. We can all do one thing. Today, thank you to my precious friends who answered that call. It changed my life today - truly. My vision of my Savior rejoicing over me has been crystallized through your sacrifice.

I am loved well.

Simple Orphan Care Family Devotional

Hi all!

This is what I created for our church this week. Adapt it however you wish. We're using it for our Angel Tree project.

A Simple, Three-Day Family Devotional on Orphan Care

Day One:

Read: John 14:16-20

Questions and Prayer:

• ·      What is an orphan?
• ·      Have we ever been orphans?
• ·      How has God not left us as orphans? How is He a father to us?
• ·      Thank God that He has not left us as orphans. Pray for your sponsored Christmas child and the orphans around the world.

Day Two:

Read: Psalm 68:5 

Questions and Prayer:

• ·      What things do you love about your father, or what kind of father would you love to have if you do not have one?
• ·      How is God a father?
• ·      What are some ways God takes care of the fatherless and the hurting people in the world?
• ·      Thank God that He cares for the orphans, the widows, and the people hurting around the world. Thank God that He is a Father. Pray for your sponsored Christmas child and the orphans of one special foreign country.

Day Three:

Read Psalm 82: 3-4   

Questions and Prayer:

• ·      Who are the fatherless of our world?
• ·      What does it mean when God commands us to defend them and do justice to them?
• ·      Are there ways you are defending the poor and fatherless now as a family?
• ·      Thank God that He allows us to be part of this fight to care for the orphans and the poor around the world. Pray for your sponsored child and the orphans right here in our country. Pray that God would continue to show your family ways to obey this challenge to your family.

Transparency

I have been so overwhelmed this week.

Emails from all across the country filled with prayers, gratefulness and encouragement. Foster families going through their first reunifications, foster families missing past children, friends blessing us.

A Grandmother and Daddy who hugged me and said we changed their lives, as I placed their son, their grandson back into their arms, ending my season as his mother.

Knowing every victory is your power in us. 

I've watch other families celebrate with bittersweet joy, like us, as they reunified children who they have loved as their own - fully - for six months, a year, two years...

I've watched new children come in to care.

I've held my sons and daughters as they cried because they missed their baby brother.

And Jamie pulled me in and said, "If we had never had J, if we had never loved fully and said goodbye well, we wouldn't be on our knees, crying with our children, modeling Godly grief for them. This is an honor to do this with them. They are crying out to their Savior. Catie, look what God is doing just by us saying yes."

And I screamed, "I don't want to be used anymore, if it's hurts like this."

And he pulled me back in and whispered, Jesus is real.

Jesus is real.

I listened to this Matt Redman song 30 times while running today...

"Never Once"

Standing on this mountaintop
Looking just how far we’ve come
Knowing that for every step
You were with us

Kneeling on this battle ground
Seeing just how much You’ve done
Knowing every victory
Was Your power in us

Scars and struggles on the way
But with joy our hearts can say
Yes, our hearts can say

Never once did we ever walk alone
Never once did You leave us on our own
You are faithful, God, You are faithful

Kneeling on this battle ground
Seeing just how much You’ve done
Knowing every victory
Was Your power in us

Scars and struggles on the way
But with joy our hearts can say
Yes, our hearts can say

Never once did we ever walk alone
Never once did You leave us on our own
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
You are faithful, God, You are faithful

Scars and struggles on the way
But with joy our hearts can say
Never once did we ever walk alone
Carried by Your constant grace
Held within Your perfect peace
Never once, no, we never walk alone

Never once did we ever walk alone
Never once did You leave us on our own
You are faithful, God, You are faithful

Every step we are breathing in Your grace
Evermore we’ll be breathing out Your praise
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
You are faithful, God, You are faithful

You are faithful, God, You are faithful
You are faithful, God, You are faithful

On Suffocation and Glory

I've been thinking a lot about Abraham.

Do you think he suffocated the night before his sacrifice-to-be of his only son?

I know scripture states he believed God and knew God would raise Isaac from the dead.

But don't you think that deep down in the shadow of his son sleeping, and in the silence of Isaac's quiet breathing, Abraham, himself, had moments of heaving as he watched the chest rise and fall one more time, knowing it was chest he gave life to, and tomorrow, he would destroy?

Do you think he slept?

I've been considering Jesus in the garden, sweating drops of blood or standing before the judges.

I know He was fully God, but He was fully man, too. His body had every natural instinct we have.

Do you think He had moments when His insides screamed, Oh, Father, no?

Or moments where his feet took one more step of life after another along the way to the Cross, although physically his human spirit screamed for retreat?

Wouldn't that only be natural?

Or the millions of martyrs across the centuries, who waited through their final hours for their earthly doom...

Do you wonder if in a silent place of their mind they heard the whisper, Was this truly worth it?

I'm not Abraham, or Jesus, or a martyr. I don't think any of us are. 

But don't we all have our Isaac, the thing we stay watch through the night, to squeeze what we think may be the final moments of life from?

Don't we all have the dream, the child, the marriage we suffocate over when we consider it's absence in our lives?

I think of some friends who God denied the opportunity of consideration. In a moment the breaths, giggles and tears became memories. I've watched as they are called to sift through the wreckage of sorrow with hope.

I'm not a great man or woman of faith. I'm just an a child who is obedient on the outside, but inside, my soul is wading through the voices telling me that He's forgotten my heart, again. I'm fighting my urges to slip into J's room one more time, to fully live the final moments entrusted to me with this child.

I'm battling the lie that I'm suffocating.

I'm helping my sons sift through the questions.

I'm sorting with my girls through the reality that their homegoing has been lapped again.

I'm grieving deeply with Jamie, in hope.

I keep waiting for this part to get easier, the letting go. But maybe, if it ever does, we shouldn't be doing this anymore, because with each precious soul in our home, we are called to love fully and wildly.

Mattie came a week ago. There was this moment when I was in my room, and she was playing with the boys. I looked out my doorway, and she was giggling, pure and without reservation. 

It was Glory.

My heart caught for a moment, and the Spirit whispered to me, That was your yes that helped restore that giggle.

Sunday night, we picked up Baby M's half brother and sister and took them to our church's fall festival. With Grandma's help, we decked them out in costume style.

I took them home and watched them close the door, only to have Sister throw it open again and scream, Catie, this was the best night of my life.

And she leaped from the top of the porch into my arms. 

It was Glory.

And the Spirit whispered, That was your letting go.

There's a reason we use the term "hands and feet of Jesus." 

His hands and feet must take over because by nature our fingers are clinched tightly on the inside, and our toes are curled, screaming at us to flee. By nature, we feel it's our place to protect ourselves and the ones we love. It's natural.

But the reality is, this fallen world is unnatural. Our natures were never meant to run from the One we were designed for. Our chests were never meant to suffocate in surrendering to the One who gave us breath.

It's all unnatural; that's why it hurts.

We were not made for the lies, or goodbyes, or the whispers, or the doubts.

We were made for Glory.

Yet, here on earth, we abide to sift through the rummage and be continually amazed by the restoration, the redemption, and the healing. 

To stand, as our faces are continually being unveiled with ever-increasing Glory.

Knowing we were designed, that we are moving towards a Glory that far outweighs our present sufferings and sacrifices.

Remembering we were not made for the suffocation nights. We were made for Jesus.

"Gettin' Neked" in the Nakedness

There's Naked and there's NEKED.

You know what I'm saying. 

Nakedness implies beauty and intimacy.

Nekedness implies some something, something is up. It's dirty side of lovin'.

As a foster momma, there are many secrets I can't share. I bare the griefs and sorrows of stories untold; memories repressed; shadows that linger. It can be haunting at times. Some moments, it leads me to withdraw from the world. I have to process the depth of despair sin brings, and the piercing claws it seeks to use.

I'm tempted to put my best face forward, to buck up, to fake the intimacy of soul and let you see the beauty of my naked emotions. But, it's not always me.

You may not be a foster parent, but we all have the shadows. The shame we bury. The rage we fight to control. The vicious monsters we strive to cage within. We all feign our "nakedness." We pretend it's our true selves.

For the first time in eight years, Jamie and I are in a small group our own age. We were involved in youth for seven years, and last year things simply fell through with our kids' visitation schedules.

This year we made it a priority to find our space not to serve or lead, but to be served and led. This quarter we've been telling our stories. And the depth of glory that comes from truth...is unshakable.

The truth will set you free.

We could come to group polished up, ready to display the "pretty" side of love.

But that would be a waste of time. These guys show up to love us hard. They look us in the eye and are willing to go to the "dark night of the soul" and back...no questions asked.

They understand that it's through the exposure of the dirty "nekedness" that true nakedness can take root.

As one friend said last night, "True love and relationships connect at the point of weakness, not strength."

As an Americanized, individualized Christian culture, we've lost the intense beauty of brokenness. We often make our way to the Cross with our finances, our resumes, our obedient children, and smiling marriages.

Those are good things. But, when we fail to let our walls crumble or our glass shatter, the wounds begin to run deep, and the loneliness runs deeper still.

Because the reality is, without the weakness, without the brokenness, without the nekedness...there is no need for the Gospel.

If I am able to save myself, why do I need a Savior?

If there is nothing to be redeemed, what is the place for a Redeemer?

If there are no depths from which to be restored, what is the point of a Restorer?

The truth is, we are the Body of Christ. We have been saved, redeemed, and restored. We have been to the death of our souls and back because there is a life to be brought into. And it is an abundant life.

I think of Adam and Eve. They went from Nakedness to Nekedness. They strived to restore themselves. All the while, a God called their name, pursued them, the ones He had made for more. The ones He had made for beauty.

And we continue to run. We continue to hide and cover. We continue to cling to our worthless idols of reputation and appearance, all the while forfeiting the grace that could be ours. (Jonah 2:8)

And in our running, there is One waiting to envelop our shame with the cloak of His righteousness, to mark our filthiness with the Glory of His son, to save us from lonely, false caverns of despair.

Simply waiting for us to be willing to get Neked because He knows it is only in the stripping and shattering of our souls that Healing can take root.

______________________________________________________________________________ ***YEA!!!!! for FUN FAMILY!!!!  You won the MUCH belated GIVE AWAY of a TFI shirt! Message me your size. They do run a little small.***

What do you think? A Giveaway!

Last night, my precious friend Mary (who I miss too much!) send me these words from NT Wright's Surprised by Hope:

"... a proper grasp of the (surprising) future hope held out to us in Jesus Christ leads directly, and to many people, equally surprisingly, to a vision of the present hope that is the basis of all Christian mission. To hope for a better future for this world - for the poor, the sick, the lonely and depressed, for the slaves, the refugees, the hungry and homeless, for the abused, the paranoid, the downtrodden and despairing, and in fact for the whole wide, wonderful, and wounded world - is not something else, something extra, something tacked onto the gospel as an afterthought. And to work for that intermediate hope, the surprising hope that comes forward from God's ultimate future into God's urgent present, is not a distraction from the task of mission and evangelism in the present. It is a central, essential, vital, and life-giving part of it. Mostly, Jesus himself got a hearing from his contemporaries because of what he was doing... The whole point of what Jesus was up to was that he was doing, up close, in the present, what he was promising long-term, in the future. And what he was promising for that future, and doing in that present, was not saving souls for a disembodied eternity but rescuing people from the corruption and decay of the way the world presently is so they could enjoy, already in the present, that renewal of creation which is God's ultimate purpose - and so they could thus become colleagues and partners in that larger project."

So here's the giveaway...

What are the glimpses of heaven that God is bringing to earth through you and/or your family? What is He doing in His kingdom because YOU'VE said simply said YES! 

This is not bragging. This is not pride. This is giving glory to a God who is willing to use imperfect vessels. It could be the precious discipleship of your children, the faithfulness of submitting to your husband, adoption, moving to Africa, or the moment when you simply listened.

You hear enough about HIS story in me here. I want to hear about HIS story in you!

What kingdom story is HE writing through you?

Because remember, HE doesn't need us; He simply allows us to become messy in the beauty He's creating.

So, here's the catch...try to keep it to three sentences in the comments below. Share something you know HE is doing through you. You know - one of those moments or seasons that God surprised you completely by allowing you to be HIS hope and His joy, and you knew HE was there because it couldn't have been you. Please be sure to respect the privacy of others.

And Monday.... I'll draw from the comments, for one Broken Vessel to win you're choice of a Forgotten Initiative shirt! You can look through these great options here!

And remember...

"We ought not be weary of doing little things for the LOVE OF GOD, who regards NOT the greatness of the work, but the love with which it was performed."

- Brother Lawrence, Practicing the Presence of God

And if I don't hear from you, I will begin telling the stories on some of you myself :)

Because HE is worthy (Thank you Kim.),

Hope for this Mama's Soul...

Sometimes, I'm asked how I let go...

Sometimes, I'm asked if I'm afraid we're neglecting or damaging our children...

Sometimes, I'm asked if orphan care has taken priority over the Great Commission in our lives...

And sometimes, I'm asked if I really think we're making any difference...

Almost 23 months ago, a baby girl came into foster care. Twenty months ago, she came into our home.

For six months, she was our daughter, our sister.

Fourteen months ago, she left, and we grieved in despair, rather than hope, expecting never to see her again. 

She was our first.

Today, a case was closed, and we were able to see the little girl who holds a piece of our hearts. What I wanted to cling tightly to, God set fire and created beauty.

In the beginning, it's not what I had wanted; it's not what had I hoped. 

But do we challenge the Potter?

Now, her home is no longer ours, but in exchange I have a new friend in Grandmother, who wants to know she is worthy. I have a new joy in siblings, who long to be pursued. I have a treasure in Daddy, hugging and thanking me for loving his daughter, and I have a memory of a little girl who captured my heart and forced me to cling to my Savior.

Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us. 

- Romans 5:3-5

It is worth it. He is worth it.

Exposing the Lies of Fear

Today, I came face to face with beauty - hard, mucky beauty.

This weekend we were invited to a round of four birthday parties. No, we are not popular; we simply have six kids.

My favorite party - no offense - was our new friend *Buddy's* party.

Buddy has the precious gift of being cared for my new fostering friend Erin. Little Buddy and my Daniel turn five only days apart.

It was a laid back affair at the park, and my boys broke just about every toy. But, this party was different.

You see, Erin invited Buddy's Momma.

If you could have seen the moment when Momma walked through the parking lot...if you could have seen her face; his face as he ran and threw those little brown hands around her neck; if you could had seen Erin's face.

It was sacred.

Erin could have chosen to fear, and not a soul on earth would have blamed her.

But Erin knew, fear is a lie. And the only way to expose that lie of darkness is with the light of truth...

Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free. - John 8:32

I sat and talked with Momma for a bit. Her face glowed. No, things aren't perfectly smooth. I can only imagine how her heart was heaving...and, I know from experience the lump that most likely clutched Erin's throat.

But, they did it. 

Erin extended the hand of the gospel and danced with a Momma who had lost hope, who had thought her story was over.

Her response when I asked her; she said she now knows there's a God watching out for her. She said Erin is the greatest gift God could have ever given her and her family in this moment because for the first time in a long time, they have hope.

Erin could have claimed this day for herself, and no one would have asked.

But, she chose the mess; the beautiful mess. She exposed light to the lie of fear.

And the fighting dance of the gospel continues...

You fought

but you were just too weak

so you lost

all the things you try to keep

now you're on your knees, you're on your knees

But wait,

everything can change,

in a moment's time 

you don't have to be afraid,

cause fear is just a lie

open up your eyes

And He'll break

open the skies to save

those who cry out his name

the one the winds and waves obey

He's strong enough to save you

Look

now is not too late

lift up your head

let the rain fall on your face

you're not far from grace, your not too far from grace

And he'll break

open the skies to save

those who cry out his name

the one the wind and waves obey

He's strong enough to save you

I know the weight of this world can take you down like 

gravity and I know the current of yourself can take you 

out, out to sea but hold on, hold on

And he'll break

open the stars to save

those who cry out his name

the one the wind and waves obey

He's strong enough to save you.

- Strong Enough to Save, Third Avenue North

A Simple, Easy Invitation!

You're invited to countdown to Christmas with us at The Forgotten Initiative! The Forgotten Initiative exists to bring joy and purpose to the foster care community through the gospel. There are four simple ways you can become involved: 1. Kick off your Christmas shopping by purchasing your favorite children's books and gifts through www.catiesusbornebooks.com. Be sure to click on The Forgotten Initiative event party! ALL proceeds go to our Christmas project of ensuring all 1,400 foster children in the Birmingham area receive Christmas with the hope of the gospel. 2. Don't have a little one to shop for? Simply pick out your favorite book through the website, send it to me, and we'll match it with a child for Christmas. Please private message me for an address. 3. Consider sponsoring a child for Christmas. Please message me for details. 4. PRAY, that the hope of the gospel will be known through our efforts to the foster children, their families, their foster families and DHR staff. Shop right in your home for books you can cuddle up and read to your precious children at night! Christmas is coming! Please shop today October 25th at midnight, right in your pajamas! When you order, the books will be mailed straight to your home! Check out our facebook page at The Forgotten Initiative, Birmingham. "A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling." - Psalm 68:5 He is faithful! **If you would be interested in hosting your own online or home party to support our ministry and come away with fun free books and gifts, let me know!

A Real Family

I have a hard time posting on court weeks.

In the beginning, we often caught ourselves living and dying by court dates and visits. The unknowns seemed to keep us in a constant state of drama, and we realized it was infiltrating the heart of our home, something we were not willing to sacrifice.

We sat down and decided if we were going to "own" this foster care thing for a lifetime - or for as long as the Father allows.

We realized that a commitment like this meant no more living and dying by court dates. Our family was our family. Whoever was within our walls on any particular day, was a member of our family, and all the court appointments, visits, and schedules were only parameters on the outside, which we were working towards.

Additionally, the families involved in our lives through our children were OUR family. We were committed to the mess, the muck, the sorrows and the joys.

Over the last weeks as I've shared Baby J was nearing the end of his journey within our actual home, I've had a number of people remark, "Well, you know he's not really your child," or "You know you really only have three children; the others are just foster."

I thought about this a great deal as we went to the court house on Tuesday to what we thought would be J's home-going appointment.

Once again we had said our goodbyes. If you haven't read J's story in our lives, it's one where flexibility is demanded. We were told a week a most, then four, then two more months, then three more months, and here we are 13 months later. We have packed this little guy up more times than I remember, and we've said our goodbyes and prayed over him so many times. The reality is we are not his forever immediate family, and we know he will be going to his new home at some point, but for whatever reason, the dates continue to change and shift.

However, I've realized something deathly from his case. When we first did the dance of court date to court date with J, I guarded my heart. It was a natural reaction from our time with Baby M. But, the result was my heart truly kept him at a distance for a good while. I qualified it by saying I couldn't let my emotions jump in and out at a moment's notice.

In the adoption and foster care world, we know this is dangerously unhealthy, though many of us do it out of self-preservation.

Finally, last Christmas, when things had fallen through once again, I decided - enough. This little guy was missing the whole of me. I was missing the whole of me. I'm an all-in person, and anything short of that changes my very core.

And so, I fell in love once again with a precious child that graced our home.

Present day...

As I've said before, there is a Family Court atmosphere. It sucks life from you. But there is also a state you embody when you enter that place, thinking you are surrendering the child or children you have given your heart to.

Your soul can't breathe.

Your body continues. It graces and pleases and appropriately answers all the questions required with a smile.

Inside, your soul wells to the point of shattering...

Tuesday, I wondered deep down if it was right to feel this way. Because no, I did not birth this child, and he has a "real" family we are working towards.

But you see, we are a real family; no, we are not traditional, and our faces, laundry and schedules do not look exactly what the world refers to as a "real" family's might look like. Our make up is complex and characters overlapping.

But when Grandmother calls me to talk late into the night for no reason...is that not real?

When my children scream for me during their shots, is that not real?

When I study with her for a math test until 10 at night, is that not real?

When we share our food and our abundance with our hurting families, is that not real?

And when my heart breaks into a billion pieces because God has graced me with a child for a season and allowed me to love them fully and well...is that not real?

Because the moment I step away from owning that we are called to be stewards of these children, the one who immediately claims them is the state. Is that a real family?

And from what I've learned, the moment my heart stops loving like a real momma, and my family stops embracing like a real family - that might the point we need to step away because every child deserves a real family.

So when they said only six more weeks with this little guy God has allowed to change our lives, I praised Him, knowing fully I will grieve hard with hope, but I have six more weeks to delight, love and sing to this real boy in my home. And I have a lifetime, to lift him in prayer before a real God.

Adoption Highlight

Meet the Kings ~

Over the last year, God has allowed my friendship to grow with Deidre, and Jamie previously knew Brad through work.

Their story is one this world doesn't get. They married young - almost right out of high school and committed their hearts to chasing hard after God for the rest of their lives.

And, they live it out daily.

Precious five-year-old Kendall was adopted from Guatemala several years ago, after a long wait and process.

Then, God planted in their hearts a seed to pursue twins from Ethiopia - three years ago.

As we all know, in the adoption world, countries close and plans detour and courts investigate, but the Kings knew God had given them these children in their hearts, before the children were even known.

And then the call came that there were twins from Ethiopia, in desperate need of care.

And they said, Yes.

"Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart." - Psalm 37

What can you do?

• Follow this family's beautiful family of hope at Adopting by Faith, and pray as they prepare to make the last steps of journey and the beginnings of a new one as a growing family.

• Support their first upcoming trip to meet their precious children by starting your Christmas shopping at their Usborne book party. Simply shop here, and click on Deidre King's party. All my proceeds go to their adoption, and you have precious books to cuddle up with your little ones and read.

Win, win :)

A Mercy-Minded Church

Yesterday, I hopped onto Facebook, only to be surprised and linked to this photo and comment:

Want a t-shirt? We are selling them in the Welcome Center this Sunday and in the Fellowship Hall on Wednesday nights (you can pick the size and color)! The cost is $12 and all AVPC proceeds go to the Lumpkins’ foster care ministry, The Forgotten Initiative.

Over the last year, we've seen the heart of our church and its leadership long to embrace the great commission:

Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age. - Matthew 28

I heard a story yesterday of a hurting woman in our city, who had tried to walk through the doors of a church in town. She was mocked because of her smell. Her children we ridiculed because they were unclean. They were silently pushed out because they did not fit the mold of the church.

When did the church become about us?

GO... and make disciples.

“The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters 

of mine, you did for me." - Matthew 25

The Least of These...

If I've learned anything this last year, I've learned I'm the same as that Momma or that Daddy. I'm the same as that person with nothing but the clothes on their back. But, I hide my inward muck and dirt, content to not NEED anyone or anything. Perhaps their physical needs, put them in a closer place to be desperate for a savior. Perhaps, when we can comfortably distance ourselves from the darkness within and the pain around us, we have allowed ourselves to become blinded to our desperation for a redeemer, because we've believed the lie that we do not need to be restored.

But, as we do the hard but delicate dance of a mercy-driven great commission, we become exposed not simply to the needs of the world - but more greatly to our own. And when we discover how majestically we have been forgiven, we also discover how majestically we can love because of HIM who loves us.

If your interested in these little shirts that remind us to GO, simply visit Altadena Valley Presbyterian Church.